I went to bed in tears and woke up in tears. I am hormonal and emotional and I recognize that. It was funny because Mr. Butterbean Sr. made the comment that I was 'torturing' him while he was trying to play his PS3 and left and went to the basement. It hurt my feelings and I just began to cry. I went to bed and had horrid dreams of me screaming and being emotional with my grandmother, sister and cousin. Then I woke up in tears. It was just a mess. Even now I refuse to talk to Mr. Butterbean Sr. He came up when I was making breakfast and asked if I slept well. I just gave a blank star. He kept trying but I told him he's not going to torture me so just leave me alone. Well he got the message about what is going on but he kept trying. I just ignored him.
Yesterday I woke in the guest bedroom. Why? Mr. Butterbean Sr. came in snoring and it enraged me and I got out of bed and went to the guest bedroom. He came in asking if I wanted breakfast. NO! After about 10 minutes he came and got in the guest bed with me. Poor thing. He gave me a pep talk and told me 'we both wanted this baby so there is no need to be irritable with him'. I told him I was nauseous and had a headache. A little more pep talk and cuddling and I got up and we went and got some breakfast. Well Mr. Butterbean's pep talk wore off by the evening, but its okay. He did try and I don't think he can imagine how emotional I can be right now. I know its all the baby hormones so I just pray and push along.
Right now I am listening to the tunes of Anthony Hamilton, his new CD for 2008 which I already love and I am about to wash the breakfast dishes and go for a short walk. I need the fresh air and its very breezy and I need that too. So I'm off!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Week 7, Day 1
We are 7 weeks today! I am still marveling over the news and sometimes its hard to believe, but my mild nausea and loss of appetite are reminders that I am indeed preggo. I continue to have slight pangs of growth and I know from the u/s where my baby is located in my uterus...way down at the bottom left corner.
I’ve changed my diet to avoid meats and animal byproducts with any added hormones or antibiotics. This is because I do not want to give those fibroids anymore ammunition to grow. So I been at Trader Joe’s buying up the vegetarian fed meats and eggs. Feels like I am doing something good for myself and I like it. I am still not actively exercising, but that will change as soon as I hit month 3. I will be doing 20 minute walks and once it warms up, the sky is the limit for walking. I did jump on the scale to find I am not gaining any weight. My appetite is too suppressed for that and I am barely able to eat much more than a kiddie sized meal of anything. It’s a good thing though because I am already overweight and I don’t want to gain too much or get gestational diabetes. My co-worker told me to confess eating healthy and staying down and it will be so, so that is what I do. I pray over my Lil’ Butterbean every day, several times a day, thanking God for allowing me to conceive and praying for a healthy baby.
This weekend my sister was announcing my pregnancy to some of her friends who know how much my husband and I have been trying. It was so exciting to hear her talk about it and everyone was so pleased. A couple including my sister asked me what I want to have and surprisingly I said before I got pregnant I wanted boys, but now its seems I am unconcerned, but whenever I think about the baby I seem to think girl. I think its because I can pick her name if it’s a girl. If it’s a boy it will be named after Mr. Butterbean Sr. My step-daughter also says she wants a sister. She is the only girl. I say 10 fingers, 10 toes in the likeness of God. That’s all I want and am praying for.
I got all the books from my sister to read over…What to Expect, Perfect Pregnancy, Baby Names and Baby’s First Year. I am excited to read. My husband continues to be excited too.
This morning I have decaf coffee for the first time in a long while. I was holding off on any caffeine at all. I am not a caffeine person anyway, but I do enjoy my decaf. So I indulged and it was good. But I think I am done with it for a while. I am having PBJ for lunch and I think I’ll pick up a milkshake. I just don’t want to go through another day of blah and one day of splurging won’t hurt. Besides milk is good for the baby.
So nothing much but the constant lack of appetite and mild nausea. On with week 7!
I’ve changed my diet to avoid meats and animal byproducts with any added hormones or antibiotics. This is because I do not want to give those fibroids anymore ammunition to grow. So I been at Trader Joe’s buying up the vegetarian fed meats and eggs. Feels like I am doing something good for myself and I like it. I am still not actively exercising, but that will change as soon as I hit month 3. I will be doing 20 minute walks and once it warms up, the sky is the limit for walking. I did jump on the scale to find I am not gaining any weight. My appetite is too suppressed for that and I am barely able to eat much more than a kiddie sized meal of anything. It’s a good thing though because I am already overweight and I don’t want to gain too much or get gestational diabetes. My co-worker told me to confess eating healthy and staying down and it will be so, so that is what I do. I pray over my Lil’ Butterbean every day, several times a day, thanking God for allowing me to conceive and praying for a healthy baby.
This weekend my sister was announcing my pregnancy to some of her friends who know how much my husband and I have been trying. It was so exciting to hear her talk about it and everyone was so pleased. A couple including my sister asked me what I want to have and surprisingly I said before I got pregnant I wanted boys, but now its seems I am unconcerned, but whenever I think about the baby I seem to think girl. I think its because I can pick her name if it’s a girl. If it’s a boy it will be named after Mr. Butterbean Sr. My step-daughter also says she wants a sister. She is the only girl. I say 10 fingers, 10 toes in the likeness of God. That’s all I want and am praying for.
I got all the books from my sister to read over…What to Expect, Perfect Pregnancy, Baby Names and Baby’s First Year. I am excited to read. My husband continues to be excited too.
This morning I have decaf coffee for the first time in a long while. I was holding off on any caffeine at all. I am not a caffeine person anyway, but I do enjoy my decaf. So I indulged and it was good. But I think I am done with it for a while. I am having PBJ for lunch and I think I’ll pick up a milkshake. I just don’t want to go through another day of blah and one day of splurging won’t hurt. Besides milk is good for the baby.
So nothing much but the constant lack of appetite and mild nausea. On with week 7!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Week 6, Day 2
I had my first doctor's appt. yesterday. It was so short and sweet. Just bloodwork and a brief talk along with a prescription for prenatals. I opted for Duet that already has the B6 in it to help stave off naseau. I have had very mild naseau so its not affecting me yet and I pray it continues that way. The great thing about yesterday's visit is they scheduled me for an u/s today. I had said how I felt empty and like nothing much was going on. I questioned if my lil' Butterbean was taken away. Today I SAW and HEARD the wonderful heartbeat of my child. I was overjoyed. I have visual and audible confirmation that my baby is there and this is not a dream! Mr. Butterbean Sr. was quiet as we watched and he could tell how pleased I was. What a miracle. My Beta from yesterday was 19307 and my progesterone is 33!
Unfortunately, they also found two fibroids, but I think they are far enough away from my baby that they will not matter. We will see what the doctor has to say at my next appt on 1/8/09. I was devastated when I saw the fibroids. One is 2cm and the othe ris 3cm. I realized I was letting them still the joy I was feeling about my Butterbean. Then I remembered how I am stepping out on faith and completely trusting God and I said 'nothing will still my joy, I will not live in fear through this pregnancy and I give it to God because He is in control'. So that's that!
I am so happy to have seen Lil' Butterbean and I have his/her first photo to add to my journal that I am writing to my baby.
Unfortunately, they also found two fibroids, but I think they are far enough away from my baby that they will not matter. We will see what the doctor has to say at my next appt on 1/8/09. I was devastated when I saw the fibroids. One is 2cm and the othe ris 3cm. I realized I was letting them still the joy I was feeling about my Butterbean. Then I remembered how I am stepping out on faith and completely trusting God and I said 'nothing will still my joy, I will not live in fear through this pregnancy and I give it to God because He is in control'. So that's that!
I am so happy to have seen Lil' Butterbean and I have his/her first photo to add to my journal that I am writing to my baby.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Infertility Hurts...I Know
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be just as good a mother.
It will be not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day forthe rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes thatmoisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Author Unknown
Week 5, Day 4
I wish I could know what’s going on in there. I mean really see the baby inside of me. Since Tuesday its been pretty quiet and so it makes me worry a bit. But I just pray good thoughts over my baby each morning and thank God for allowing me to conceive then assure myself that surely he would not just give me this miracle and then take it away from me. I don’t know if its because my husband has told the world so early or that I just can’t believe it. I have to admit I have my doubts and I hate having them because I know God is able. Still the fear creeps in and the what ifs. What if the baby stopped growing or the babies heart just stopped beating or it was not a perfect union and the baby could not survive. I pray for strength and patience. I personally think they make us wait to daggone long for an u/s anyway. 10 weeks is what most have told me. I am like…10 weeks, I want to hear that heart beat now, to see the yolk sac and little tadpole in there. I need to 100% sure. Reality is ‘can I be 100% sure about anything?” I don’t think I can. I cannot be 100% sure until I hold my baby in my arms and that is a long way off.
Last night I spoke to my Nana and she of course got caught in her loop about my sister and how many children she has. Now, my Nana has short term memory and the early onset of dementia, so this time when she asked me how many I have I told her ‘Just one Momma, not even born yet’. She said ‘Not born yet, well I might never see that one’. She did not understand that I am pregnant and she will not until she has the chance to see me with my belly long, great with child. I only said it because she asked.
This morning I woke up a lot of pain in my tummy. I thought, well my little Butterbean is letting me know he/she is still there. But what it really was was gas. Gas from all the dairy I’ve been eating although I am lactose intolerant. I am afraid to take the lactose pills and go with it. Yesterday was the first day I experienced such bloating. 5am this morning and I was up trying to relieve myself and then rolling all over the bed trying to get in a good position. Eventually, rubbing my own back, like I’d seen my grandmother do for babies, helped me to get rid of the gas. Good think Mr. Butterbean Sr. was up and at work otherwise we probably would have ended up in the Emergency Room.
Oh, did I mention that I am peeing like a racehorse quite frequently. Its not even cute or funny. There is a 8 month pregnant co-worker who lives in the bathroom and I think she may be beginning to wonder why I am in there just as much as she is. LOL!!! I read up and its a symptom of the first trimester. Baby is growing (Yippee) and pressing on my bladder. If nothing else its a good sign that my baby is thriving.
Last night he asked me what was going on with me and what I felt. Mind you this is not Mr. Butterbeans first child, but it seems like it is. I told him all my symptoms and what I felt. He was so interested and I can tell how excited he is. He is in love with this baby already, just like I am. We have waited so long and finally its our turn. I am praying without ceasing and praising God for blessing us in such an awesome way.
Tuesday's doctor appointment can't get here fast enough. Until then, the prayers are going up and even after that they'll continue.
Last night I spoke to my Nana and she of course got caught in her loop about my sister and how many children she has. Now, my Nana has short term memory and the early onset of dementia, so this time when she asked me how many I have I told her ‘Just one Momma, not even born yet’. She said ‘Not born yet, well I might never see that one’. She did not understand that I am pregnant and she will not until she has the chance to see me with my belly long, great with child. I only said it because she asked.
This morning I woke up a lot of pain in my tummy. I thought, well my little Butterbean is letting me know he/she is still there. But what it really was was gas. Gas from all the dairy I’ve been eating although I am lactose intolerant. I am afraid to take the lactose pills and go with it. Yesterday was the first day I experienced such bloating. 5am this morning and I was up trying to relieve myself and then rolling all over the bed trying to get in a good position. Eventually, rubbing my own back, like I’d seen my grandmother do for babies, helped me to get rid of the gas. Good think Mr. Butterbean Sr. was up and at work otherwise we probably would have ended up in the Emergency Room.
Oh, did I mention that I am peeing like a racehorse quite frequently. Its not even cute or funny. There is a 8 month pregnant co-worker who lives in the bathroom and I think she may be beginning to wonder why I am in there just as much as she is. LOL!!! I read up and its a symptom of the first trimester. Baby is growing (Yippee) and pressing on my bladder. If nothing else its a good sign that my baby is thriving.
Last night he asked me what was going on with me and what I felt. Mind you this is not Mr. Butterbeans first child, but it seems like it is. I told him all my symptoms and what I felt. He was so interested and I can tell how excited he is. He is in love with this baby already, just like I am. We have waited so long and finally its our turn. I am praying without ceasing and praising God for blessing us in such an awesome way.
Tuesday's doctor appointment can't get here fast enough. Until then, the prayers are going up and even after that they'll continue.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Week 5, Day 1
Today marks week five if my calculations are correct.
After telling my sister the news, she told me to call the OB and set an appt. I did that yesterday and my appt. is on 12/16 to do bloodwork and the exam. I am very excited about it all and a little scared.
Today I am experiencing cramping. I don't think its really cramping but its more like a dull pain. I told my sister about that last night and she said its probably my uterus expanding. I guess that is what it is because online it says if there is no bleeding then all is well. I pray all is well.
I told my accupunturist I am pregant and she told me to take it very easy, no heavy lifting and no sex for 3 months. Wow! Mr. Butterbean Sr. is afraid to touch me until we have our appt. I bet if I tell him no sex for 3 months he'll be highly upset. LOL!!! Well we'll do what is best for Butterbean. I've been eating all the right things, just a few bad things (cookies and cheetos). I've been drinking milk, eating cheese, eating lots of fruit and veggies. I picked up walnuts because they have omega 3 and I am just trying to do all the right things to give my baby the fighting chance she/he needs.
After telling my sister the news, she told me to call the OB and set an appt. I did that yesterday and my appt. is on 12/16 to do bloodwork and the exam. I am very excited about it all and a little scared.
Today I am experiencing cramping. I don't think its really cramping but its more like a dull pain. I told my sister about that last night and she said its probably my uterus expanding. I guess that is what it is because online it says if there is no bleeding then all is well. I pray all is well.
I told my accupunturist I am pregant and she told me to take it very easy, no heavy lifting and no sex for 3 months. Wow! Mr. Butterbean Sr. is afraid to touch me until we have our appt. I bet if I tell him no sex for 3 months he'll be highly upset. LOL!!! Well we'll do what is best for Butterbean. I've been eating all the right things, just a few bad things (cookies and cheetos). I've been drinking milk, eating cheese, eating lots of fruit and veggies. I picked up walnuts because they have omega 3 and I am just trying to do all the right things to give my baby the fighting chance she/he needs.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
There is a love
There is a love and I share it with you, deep and wholly, tried and true.
Those are the words that my mother wrote in a poem to my sister before she passed away. How I wish she was here so I can share the news. I know she is looking down from heaven smiling big and wide with pride. I can hear her saying I knew you could do it. I know she's been along with me for this ride to 'the fertile land' and oh what a ride its been. Not as long as some, but a lifetime for me. I am so glad that it is finally my turn and I am excited and scared about all that is to come.
But love has propelled me forward and love will endure and make me strong. It is for the love of my little butterbean that I would do anything and I do mean anything. So if I have to drink the milk and gulp down the horse pill prenatal vitamins...I will. There is nothing loss by me doing so and only my healthy and strong baby to gain.
Those are the words that my mother wrote in a poem to my sister before she passed away. How I wish she was here so I can share the news. I know she is looking down from heaven smiling big and wide with pride. I can hear her saying I knew you could do it. I know she's been along with me for this ride to 'the fertile land' and oh what a ride its been. Not as long as some, but a lifetime for me. I am so glad that it is finally my turn and I am excited and scared about all that is to come.
But love has propelled me forward and love will endure and make me strong. It is for the love of my little butterbean that I would do anything and I do mean anything. So if I have to drink the milk and gulp down the horse pill prenatal vitamins...I will. There is nothing loss by me doing so and only my healthy and strong baby to gain.
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