Week 5, Day 4

I wish I could know what’s going on in there. I mean really see the baby inside of me. Since Tuesday its been pretty quiet and so it makes me worry a bit. But I just pray good thoughts over my baby each morning and thank God for allowing me to conceive then assure myself that surely he would not just give me this miracle and then take it away from me. I don’t know if its because my husband has told the world so early or that I just can’t believe it. I have to admit I have my doubts and I hate having them because I know God is able. Still the fear creeps in and the what ifs. What if the baby stopped growing or the babies heart just stopped beating or it was not a perfect union and the baby could not survive. I pray for strength and patience. I personally think they make us wait to daggone long for an u/s anyway. 10 weeks is what most have told me. I am like…10 weeks, I want to hear that heart beat now, to see the yolk sac and little tadpole in there. I need to 100% sure. Reality is ‘can I be 100% sure about anything?” I don’t think I can. I cannot be 100% sure until I hold my baby in my arms and that is a long way off.

Last night I spoke to my Nana and she of course got caught in her loop about my sister and how many children she has. Now, my Nana has short term memory and the early onset of dementia, so this time when she asked me how many I have I told her ‘Just one Momma, not even born yet’. She said ‘Not born yet, well I might never see that one’. She did not understand that I am pregnant and she will not until she has the chance to see me with my belly long, great with child. I only said it because she asked.

This morning I woke up a lot of pain in my tummy. I thought, well my little Butterbean is letting me know he/she is still there. But what it really was was gas. Gas from all the dairy I’ve been eating although I am lactose intolerant. I am afraid to take the lactose pills and go with it. Yesterday was the first day I experienced such bloating. 5am this morning and I was up trying to relieve myself and then rolling all over the bed trying to get in a good position. Eventually, rubbing my own back, like I’d seen my grandmother do for babies, helped me to get rid of the gas. Good think Mr. Butterbean Sr. was up and at work otherwise we probably would have ended up in the Emergency Room.

Oh, did I mention that I am peeing like a racehorse quite frequently. Its not even cute or funny. There is a 8 month pregnant co-worker who lives in the bathroom and I think she may be beginning to wonder why I am in there just as much as she is. LOL!!! I read up and its a symptom of the first trimester. Baby is growing (Yippee) and pressing on my bladder. If nothing else its a good sign that my baby is thriving.

Last night he asked me what was going on with me and what I felt. Mind you this is not Mr. Butterbeans first child, but it seems like it is. I told him all my symptoms and what I felt. He was so interested and I can tell how excited he is. He is in love with this baby already, just like I am. We have waited so long and finally its our turn. I am praying without ceasing and praising God for blessing us in such an awesome way.

Tuesday's doctor appointment can't get here fast enough. Until then, the prayers are going up and even after that they'll continue.